Decentering Men Doesn’t Mean You Hate Them

By Stella Speridon-Violet

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I don’t hate men. I just don’t center my entire life around them anymore, and I’m a lot happier. 

As a sixteen-year-old girl, I remember the devastation of being left on read by my high school crush on Snapchat. Or, how I’d memorize my crush’s bell schedule so I could “accidentally” run into him in the hallway. 

I was constantly seeking validation from what I thought would give me the ultimate satisfaction in life: men. And I can’t lie, sometimes it was fun, but most of the time I was just exhausted and oftentimes disappointed. 

By the time I entered college, I had gone through my first heartbreak, and I was completely lost. I turned to my friends for guidance and decided to follow what I noticed everyone around me was doing. 

I started keeping things “casual” with guys, wanting to be the effortlessly cool girl all the time. At parties, at school, at coffee shops, leaving little notes and telling guys I wasn’t looking for anything “serious.” 

And, it worked for a while, until I realized I wasn’t being myself at all.  I was eighteen, and I was confused. I felt like I didn’t know myself or what I wanted, and I felt my sense of self dwindle and depreciate because of how obsessed I was with how men viewed me. 

All of my friends were hooking up and getting into relationships, and I felt like I was miles behind. It was like every girl I knew was on a mission to be desirable—not necessarily happy, just desirable. 

I was constantly fighting a battle with trying to be myself and being a version of myself that I knew would attract the male gaze. 

So, I cut men out completely. 

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I deleted dating apps, bleached my brows, and took a year off from men. 

I got to learn how to navigate the world on my own, explore new hobbies, and enjoy life without worrying about what anyone else (especially men) thought about me. 

And, the more I lived it, the more I realized how much I truly had just hated myself. All those years I spent as someone else weren’t just for male attention; they were spent burying the parts of myself I secretly hated.

Insecurity is a rite of passage for teen girls, and the media plasters it on every screen, catering to what young men want. 

“Here’s how to lose ten pounds in ten days.” 

“If you take this multi-vitamin, you’ll be so much more attractive.” 

“Here’s a 12-page step-by-step guide on how to hate yourself, but people will love you, and men will want to sleep with you.” 

And, it’s not just on our screens, it’s happening in real time. Whether it’s your friends complaining about how none of their clothes from high school fit them anymore. Or, girls in the bathroom in a packed bar, crying over not getting hit on. 

It’s this constant need for male validation, or for someone to tell you that you fit the criteria of the modern-day woman. But, when we take out the middle man—no pun intended—you’ll realize all you need is some close friends who don’t center their entire being around men.

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To de-center men is to pull back from making them the default axis of your emotional life, your decisions, your identity. 

It’s not some giant feminist “burn-it-all-down” movement meant to stick it to the man. It’s the radical act of pulling your emotional gravity back towards yourself. And, when you have friends who put men at the forefront of their minds, you lose opportunities to make meaningful relationships with them. 

When conversations are only about surface-level things like appearance and their latest situationships, we lack true and honest connections with each other. 

There’s a fine line between talking about boyfriends or flings every now and again versus a 24/7 obsession. And, you’ll know what I’m talking about when you find yourself getting close with a “male-centered” friend.

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Some of the coolest girls I know have boyfriends, but guess what? I don’t have to hear about it all the time because we have much more interesting things going on! 

And by no means am I “holier than thou.” I make out with men at the club, and I give my friends the debrief. I talk to them about guys I’m interested in, but, currently, I’m just more interested in myself. 

As I work on finding a balance between my professional, social, and romantic life, I’m reminded that there is no timeframe or rulebook. Taking life day by day is my only approach! I hang out with my friends, spend time with my dog, and make sure that when I talk to men that I remember life will go on—with or without them.

It’s not inherently men that destroy women’s self-worth and confidence; it’s the mere fact that women should be focusing on themselves and their aspirations to seek real fulfillment.