By Stella Speridon-Violet

Your early 20s are a fever dream. And if you’re dating men, they’re more like a rotating cast of delusions with Spotify bios and a Scorpio moon.

Somewhere between self-discovery and self-destruction, you’ll encounter an entire taxonomy of modern masculinity that no one warned you about, and trust me, your therapist (or best friends) will hear about all of them.

Here’s a comprehensive, semi-satirical (but also deeply accurate) guide to the types of guys you’ll meet in your 20s, and why you’ll fall for them anyway.

The Wanna-Be SoundCloud Rapper Who Only Wants to Talk About Himself

A tale as old as time.

He lives in his friend’s studio (or says he’s “crashing temporarily”). He has three unfinished mixtapes, four ex-girlfriends who still watch his stories, and a vision board with Travis Scott or Lil Uzi on it.

He will ghost you, but accidentally like your IG story a week later. He may cry during sex, but refuses to admit he has anxiety.

The Stay-at-Home Son

He lives rent-free in a 4-bedroom suburban home with blackout curtains and zero ambition. He blames capitalism for everything, including his inability to text back.

You’ll meet his mom before he introduces you as his girlfriend. But, just know every other girl has met his mom also.

And, if he offers you a vape hit while playing video games, run.

The DJ with Commitment Issues

He’s emotionally unavailable but available to spin a set at a warehouse party at 3 a.m. He believes in vibrations and says things like “We’re all just energy,” especially when confronted.

He most likely took acid or shrooms and gained empathy, things that women learned at age five.

You will feel like the most beautiful girl in the room for 48 hours straight, then not hear from him for two weeks. Still, you’ll save his playlist.

The Midwest Emo Guy with a Mustache and Nicotine Dependency

He listens to Modern Baseball and wears beat-up Converse from 2014. He journals, but never shares. His voice cracks when he talks about his childhood, and for some reason, that’s hot.

He will write you poetry, and then block you the next week “for his own mental health.”

The 30-Year-Old Snapchat Warrior

Chronologically, a grown man; spiritually, still 17. Communicates exclusively via Bitmoji. Sends you a photo of his half-lit face with no caption at 2:36 a.m. every other Tuesday.

He uses the original laughing emoji and doesn’t know that sending a “K.” is rude. He’s also most likely active on Facebook still.

You’ll wonder if you’re dating him or subscribed to his private story.

The Slutty-Waisted Fashion Boy

He has better cheekbones than you and shops exclusively at Acne Studios and lives for the Silverlake Flea Market.

He’s pretty, unattainable, and somehow makes you feel underdressed in a ball gown. He treats love like an accessory: seasonal, aesthetic, and temporary.

The Self-Proclaimed Feminist

Wears a tote bag that says “Abolish ICE,” quotes bell hooks, and still won’t take accountability for hurting your feelings.

He says he’s not flirting with other girls; it’s just that he only gets along with women.

He’s read every feminist theory book except the one about emotional labor. He’ll ask for your pronouns, but not your perspective.

The Crypto Bro in a Situationship

Fuck you, Kevin.

He’s emotionally invested in Dogecoin, not you. Believes in the blockchain more than monogamy.

Thinks being “transparent” means telling you he’s not ready for anything serious after you’ve already spent the weekend at his place. Texts you “gm” every day, but won’t meet your friends.

The “I’m Just Figuring Things Out” Guy

A walking identity crisis. One week, he’s starting a band, the next he’s launching a crypto startup.

He has six hobbies, zero follow-through, and a long-winded story about why he dropped out of college. You think he’s deep. He’s just confused.

Still, his side profile is so attractive.

The Substack Ex-Boyfriend

Turns your breakup into a serialized personal essay. Subtweets you with a hyperlink. He titles it something like “The One Who Taught Me Silence.”

Random girls DM you: “Was this about you??” You don’t respond, but you read every single entry.

So What Now?

You’ll meet these men. You’ll fall for some. You’ll post thirst traps to get over others.

You’ll believe you can fix them, mold them, make them into men they don’t even want to be. And then, eventually, you’ll realize:

We unfortunately can’t live without them (kind of).

And maybe one day, when you’re 30 and someone sends you a Snapchat with no caption… you’ll laugh instead of romanticize it.

You Will Not Fix Him, But You Will Fall for His Mustache: A Field Guide to the Men You’ll Meet in Your 20s