Digging into the Ex Files
By Natalie McCarty
Somewhere between a ridiculously expensive excuse for a martini and the moment you decide whether or not to make out with them, it happens.
That question, the one you already know is coming, hangs thick in the air. It’s inevitable.
“So… how did your last relationship end?”
We call it “the Ex-Files,” and while the term was coined by a Sex and the City episode (Carrie Bradshaw, of course), the phenomenon is so much bigger than that. Even with all our progress in dating etiquette and emotional availability, there remains something primitively irresistible about peering into someone’s romantic past before fully stepping into their present. A built-in checkpoint on the road to whatever this thing might become. No matter how evolved we pretend to be, there’s still something magnetic about poking around someone’s emotional past. Maybe it’s curiosity. Maybe it’s fear. Probably both.
Image Courtesy of HBO
It starts harmlessly, almost as an icebreaker. On the first date: “When did it end?” — the amuse-bouche.
Second date: “When did you know it was ending?” — the first drink.
By the third, you're microdosing stories about your previous lover — the heartbreak tapas.
The fourth? Main course! You’re both subtly gauging: are we here for each other, or just orbiting someone else?
Fifth date, someone jokes about calling their ex. And then you both probably do — dessert.
Sixth date, you give each other a look that says, Okay, let’s see what this is. — drinks at a bar.
So why the obsession with the ones who came before? Why do we go there in the first place?
To inquire about someone’s ex isn’t always about pettiness; it’s about pattern recognition. We want to understand how they loved, how they fought, how they ended. We want to understand the parts of their past we might inherit, even unconsciously. Because let’s be honest: how someone speaks about an ex isn’t just about the ex. It’s about values. Blame. Empathy. Growth.
In other words, it’s less about her and more about you.
There’s also the quiet truth we don’t admit on record: we want to know how we measure up. Not in a competitive way (though sometimes that, too), but in a “how close to healed are you?” way. Will I be your clean slate or your rebound? Your future or your therapist?
Image Sourced through Pinterest
The ex, whether a ghost or somehow still your best friend (been there), is part of the narrative. To ignore them would be dishonest. To obsess over them is equally revealing. But to hold space for their existence, to allow them to be acknowledged without dominating the room, that’s the delicate balance of modern love.
The Ex-Files provides context. And in a world where dating is curated, filtered, and hyper-performative, it offers something rare: unfiltered history.
Because if I’m going to fall for you, or at the very least, share a Sunday morning with you, I need to know who made you you. Who taught you how to love? And, more importantly, who taught you how to lose?
Image Courtesy of HBO
