Gift Guide for Your Situationship
By CG Morand
Uh oh… It’s the holiday season, arguably one of the scariest times of year (forget Halloween). And you have found yourself in a frightening predicament; instead of getting cuffed, you are getting emotionally TBD’d.
I fear you are in a situationship: fueled by hope, chemistry, and zero communication, where you are emotionally exclusive, technically single, and all around confused. But fear not! Because for this festive nightmare, my gift to you is a gift guide for your one and only. “Your person”, as you’ve put it, defending this person to your friends at brunch.
Now, the politics around even giving your situationship a gift is a tricky tightrope to walk. You have a ton to consider! Such as: How long have you been seeing each other? How often? Does he remember your mom’s name? Does she remember how many siblings you have? But that is personally none of my business. I’m here to help only after you’ve talked it over with your therapist enough times and have convinced yourself this is a good idea.
So here we go!
Still from Sex and the City; Sourced through Pinterest
Gift Idea #1: Condoms
This should be self-explanatory. Additionally, situationships thrive in ambiguity, and this gift is the perfect way to communicate, “I expect we’ll keep doing this” without having to ask “what are we?”
Gift Idea #2: Write them a song.
Not only the easiest way to give your situationship the ick, but also how romantic?! They are going to love how you took the time to Matty Healy yourself and turned mixed signals into a sweet, yet extremely unnecessary ballad.
Gift Idea #3: A participation trophy.
A situationship is all about showing up, but never quite signing up. So get them the gift that says thanks for being there, but there are no winners.
Still from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)
Gift Idea #4: A dead house plant
A “love fern”, if you will. But skip the whole watering and tending to the plant to keep it alive, we all know how this ends anyway.
Gift Idea #5: A $5 gift card to a really expensive, fancy restaurant
Something as useful as giving them your number, because they’re never going to use it unless they want to see you in 2 hours.
Gift Idea #6: A really nice bottle of wine with an attached note that explains how they are the only person you have been able to think about for the last 5 months. That this person means everything to you, and you can’t picture your life without them!
DISCLAIMER!!! It’s super important, though, that you do not speak to them for 2-3 weeks after giving this gift. You’re trying to keep things casual, remember? So only execute this idea if you have the emotional discipline to follow through.
Still from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003); Sourced through Pinterest
Gift Idea #7: A paperweight
Not only wildly impersonal, but also the perfect gift for someone who is weighing on your mind. It’s an object with zero emotional depth. Give this to them and say, “This is going nowhere, so here is also something that goes nowhere.”
Gift #8: Share your location with each other
The perfect way to go into the New Year with opening up new avenues of stalking and emotional distress.
