The Inner World of a Fangirl
By Avery Wilson
Being a fangirl is a devotion that’s borderline religious.
You dedicate a space in your brain for thinking about this one thing from every angle you can and then some. You carve out a space in your heart that will be there forever; no matter who or what tries to fill it, their efforts are no match for it.
You dedicate a portion of your day to engaging with something out of love for the person who made it or out of admiration for the thing itself. You may stream a song over and over, boosting the artist's numbers, and that may be because you like the song, but part of you knows it helps the person you're fond of. You may repost an edit created by a fellow fangirl sharing this media format that exists for the sole purpose of expressing love for something and have it sit on your reposts like a badge of honor. You could follow your favorite celebrity’s social media, their brand’s social media, and even their friends' pages, even if they don’t post them, because there's a closeness they share with that person you crave to have. The most selfless ritual of all is watching hours and hours of B-tier movies (the kind you have to rent or watch in seven parts on YouTube) and strange one-season CW shows just because your favorite actor was in them. You know they suck, but you don’t care because completing your viewing of everything on their IMDb page and effectively ruining the perceived coolness of your Letterboxd is a rite of passage all fangirls must go through, and it’s something that is exclusively ours.
The male counterpart to a fangirl, the fanboy, couldn’t be more different in their cultural image and in their acts of admiration; despite allegedly being the same, they operate in completely opposite directions. The societal view of fanboys is rather unfortunate, often depicted as nerdy/geeky and having no life beyond an interest in said fandom, but I think the stereotype has died down over the years. The character of the fanboy isn’t as mocked as once before; that place has been taken by the fangirl, who people are far more annoyed by than fanboys. They don’t have the patience for her obsession and find it childish, unimportant, and pathetic. She’s “whiny” but necessary for the success of whatever it is she’s into; hell, she’s the main driver of sales and views across the board, and she runs free promo for the thing without being asked. She needs no convincing on buying something because she puts her money where her mouth is. Her spending habits are simply her tithe.
Fanboys collectively don’t really participate in these fandom rituals; their passion is more literal, simpler, and less ornate and detailed. They don’t typically have a personal and communal relationship with the content or person they are a fan of; it’s usually one or the other, whereas I find that fangirls almost always have both. It’s parasocial across the board, but to varying degrees, and maybe that’s for the best; my mind can’t help but think of Björk’s stalker or how the guy who shot Ronald Regan did so in hopes it would impress Jodie Foster.
Having a parasocial relationship as a fangirl is expected and almost celebrated; it’s egged on by the industry pushing the object of affection; it feels like you're primed to have this view of this person. The countless Tiger-Beat or J-14 issues that include quizzes for which One Direction member would like you best, followed by the tear-out wall poster of Justin Bieber; you can’t be shocked at how devoted they are.
But in the modern era, the behavior of being a fan can bleed into reality. In the winter, I read “I’m a Fan” by Sheena Patel. In the novel, we follow our narrator, who has an affair with a married man; she becomes fixated on another one of his lovers, a wealthy social media influencer. She constantly scrolls online, watching her stories from a burner account, tracking her every move. She’s painfully honest about her behavior and feelings of rage and shame. It’s all too familiar; it’s something we’ve all done, but seeing it laid on paper, it’s refreshing. It’s grossly human, but none of us have the gall to admit it: you really do become a fan of this person you don’t have a relationship with; you feel like a stalker, and you know looking at the page won’t make you feel better if anything, it will make you feel so much worse, but you do it anyway because you are a fan. The same rituals you do to show love to your idols, you're doing to the ex or the new girlfriend, the one who got away, but it’s out of hate. But you don’t really hate them; you just wanna feel close to the person you lost and place your sadness and hatred on a new target. I understand, and I often feel pity for those of us who find ourselves in this situation. It’s shitty, and I extend them grace because the sadness and guilt they carry are a harder cross to bear than any lurking could ever be. There’s no sin in being a fan: I only wish that their fangirl tendencies find a new home, perhaps on something we both could indulge in; we could be fangirls together.
