What’s More Embarrassing: Having a Boyfriend or Hating Him?
By Catherine Murphy
Sourced Through Pinterest
While doomscrolling the other day, I came across a reel in which a woman jokingly asked whether her husband was broken because in their several years of marriage and dating, he had never once said, “I love you.” Immediately, the comments jumped to confirm that there was, in fact, something wrong with him and that she should ask for more out of their relationship. But just as quickly as viewers began criticizing, the wife (the very same one questioning her husband) jumped to defend him. She said his excuse was he was still waiting for the right time to say it; apparently, their wedding day and the birth of their child weren’t a good enough cause. It seemed obvious to many viewers that this was an aspect of her relationship she had difficulty with. And though she could begin to question it, there was still a part of her that wanted to accept his behavior.
And this format pops up time and time again: a woman complains about her, typically male, partner, only to defend him when people take her side. And of course, every relationship has its issues, but when you share for the world to see, it feels like you might take fault with it rather than just a normal dispute. So why post at all?
I might not see it often on my feed, but the algorithm is showing other women the same content. Women who wholeheartedly agree with this message. Wives commiserating in comment sections that they have to prepare their husbands to watch their children while they’re away. Or girlfriends who share their experience with boyfriends forgetting birthdays and anniversaries. Other women are lowering their standards and assuring other women that it’s normal to be continually disappointed by the men in their lives. While they all find issues with their partners, none of them find enough fault to do something about it.
Courtesy of @kaitlynnjb on TikTok
A clear example of this was last year’s response to @kaitlynnjb’s TikTok video, where she showed what her husband packed her for lunch. This included: pretzels, chips, cookies, two-day-old Chipotle leftovers, an apple, and (most notably) dog food. The initial response was outrage. Literal dog food aside, what he had packed hardly constitutes a typical lunch. In fact, as many comments pointed out, it seemed like he had simply cleaned out the fridge. Add in the bag of kibble with the note “Because you’re my dawg!” and people were convinced this man hated her. But for every five hate comments, there was one who compared it to funny meals their own husbands packed, proving there is a target audience for these types of videos. Just not one that’s always reached. Like many other cases, the original post is meant to point out the ridiculousness of the behavior, a fact that is backtracked after the post gains traction.
And I want to make an important distinction here. The horrible partners in question are not abusive or truly harmful, at least not that the viewer is aware. There’s a difference between defending a man who can’t (or won’t) pack a lunch and someone who’s actively causing you harm. I understand that bad relationships, especially abusive ones, can feel impossible to leave for various reasons. But when you post about your relationship problems only to pretend they don’t bother you once the criticism flows in, it’s reasonable to be confused.
Courtesy of Vogue
Thinking about this phenomenon reminded me of the highly controversial Vogue article published last year. You know, the one most people stopped reading after the title: “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” The piece, beautifully written by Chanté Joseph, argues that the social clout of having a boyfriend has been on a steady decline. While having a boyfriend was once a status symbol, women have started to fear what dating a man could do to their image. Joseph writes, “ It feels like the result of women wanting to straddle two worlds: one where they can receive the social benefits of having a partner, but also not appear so boyfriend-obsessed that they come across as quite culturally loser-ish.” Becoming a girlfriend to a boyfriend has started to come with more baggage.
Perhaps these women sharing their horror stories are trying to “straddle two worlds,” as Joseph describes it. To have their cake and eat it too. While they want the benefits of having a boyfriend, they also know it’s become embarrassing. So they wear it like a badge of honor. Instead of letting followers guess what’s going on behind closed doors or wait for what they see as an inevitable breakup, influencers and normal girls alike may be attempting to soft-launch boyfriend hate. It’s like pretending to be in on a joke at your expense; somehow, it makes it more bearable. They’ve stopped fighting the shame; they’re embracing it full force. And while it’s important to be honest about our romantic partnerships, there’s danger in accepting this embarrassment. Just being realistic about the men we’re dating isn’t enough. If we decide they’re not up to our standards, we need to do something about it; we need to want more for ourselves.
